SOULMATES AND THE NEW RELATIONSHIP
Have you ever found yourself wondering why it is becoming more and more difficult to have a meaningful, productive and life enhancing relationship? Perhaps you are starting a new relationship, are in the middle of an existing one, or have just brought one to an end. At times, we all find ourselves challenged with the relationships we are in, or even wondering what our ideal match might look like. Regardless of where are at right now, there are some things we all need to consider moving forward in a relationship, and in life as a whole.
A good friend of mine and I recently shared some deep thoughts on relationships and the results of our conversation were just too good not to share. So, here’s a look at Soulmates and The New Relationship.
WHO AND WHAT ARE WE SEARCHING FOR?
"A soulmate is someone who has locks that fit our keys, and keys to fit our locks. When we feel safe enough to open the locks, our truest selves step out and we can be completely and honestly who we are." Richard Bach, A Bridge Across Forever
We establish relationships to fulfill certain needs. A good friend to share our challenges with, someone to experience new things with, someone who can mentor us, but ultimately, we are all at some time searching for our partner in life, what most people would call their soulmate. The one who we hope will venture with us to the end of our lives. Though physical attraction drives many of us to our mates, it is only the first step of selection and one provided to us by nature for continuation of the species. But in today’s overpopulated world, should reproduction be a deciding factor in the equation? If not, then what is driving us to maintain long, healthy, life relationships now?
The answer lies on the other side of attraction, and perhaps the most important aspect of a relationship which takes us to a much deeper, subtle energy attraction and exchange. In an article written for Huffpost, Dr. Carmen Harra points out that a soulmate and life-partner are different. According to Dr. Harra, a soulmate is your heart’s other half, someone who allows you to be who you are, to help you heal and grow. A life-partner on the other hand, can be a great supporter and long-time companion, but lacks the ability to enhance your spirit. Dr. Harra has found that most people remain in life-partner relationships for several reasons including the fear of being alone, often allowing what were meant to be temporary relationships, to settle in for good.[1]
Are you someone who gives, or someone who takes? To have balance in a relationship there needs to be both give and take. If there isn’t, there will be unfulfillment experienced by either party at some point of time. Unfulfillment may be tolerated for a while, in hopes of receiving back at some later point in time. But left alone, they become energy knots in a relationship that if not nurtured, unwound and allowed to flow freely, will eventually cut off the very source of life energy for that relationship. As Dr. Harra points out, your better half is that which we are missing. Your alternative, complementary source of energy when you need it.
So, who are we looking for and how do we find them?
A SEASON, A REASON OR A LIFETIME?
“(Relationships) are a struggle between the soul’s need for attachment and the spirit’s need for freedom” Anodea Judith, Eastern Body, Western Mind
Are you looking for a quick fix or are you searching for your Soulmate? Quick fixes are available everywhere. Finding your soulmate is more difficult and may take time. Relationships today are not lasting as they did in the past. It is often easier to move out of a relationship than to change. People do not need each other for the same reasons they did in past generations. And perhaps that is why those who have settled for a life-partner, will eventually find themselves unfulfilled. Let’s take a more detailed look at relationships as they are today.
According to national statistics in the US, the average honeymoon phase lasts 3 months, the average relationship lasts 2.9 to 4.2 years (depending on which source you are looking at), but most importantly, our marriages are only lasting an average of 8.2 years in the US, 14 years in Canada, with the rest of the world coming in between 5.5 years (Qatar) and 15 years (Italy).[2]
With these statistics, does it really make sense to expect a relationship to last a lifetime? As the poem goes, people come into our lives for “a season, a reason or a lifetime”. Knowing that there are several reasons why we form relationships, and that there is more chance that a relationship will not last a lifetime, can help us to manage them better along the way. Cycling through unfulfilling relationships sooner, will not only teach us what we really need, they will prepare us for the one that can fulfill those needs, so we can attract them. The longer we avoid ending temporary relationships, the further away we may be from that right one.
IS THE RELATIONSHIP AUTHENTIC OR INAUTHENTIC?
At one time, relationships were very well defined. Gender, color, race, religion and other factors outside yourself decided the boundaries of selection. Today’s relationships go beyond these boundaries, and test the very core of family, politics and religious values.
If your relationship is to be fulfilling, it should be a reflection of you, and not totally decided by the various outside influences. Relationships based on our own selection process could be considered authentic relationships. Those based on other people’s standards and beliefs might be considered inauthentic. In many cultures including North America, going outside the standard selection process of the past might bring objection and isolation from families, friends and religions. Being in a relationship based on someone’s else standards can result in a lifetime of unfulfillment and unhappiness. So, more options, more opportunity does not necessary mean it will be easier. However, you and you alone are the one who must live each day with a decision.
FEMALE AND MALE ROLES
In the distant past, female and male roles in a relationship were very well defined. But in today’s reality, the role varies from relationship to relationship and even changes over time. Should it matter who plays what role at all?
Energy is what fuels every individual and flows outward to affect those around them. Instead of thinking of roles, perhaps we need to think in terms of feminine or masculine energy. Regardless of gender, individuals carry both feminine and masculine energies and they can be shared with each other depending on what is required at the time. Could this be how two people complement each other beyond the boundaries of the physical form? Does this explain why relationships can be so diverse in terms of gender, color, race and religion? Or why different genders can take the dominant role in a relationship, and why that role can be flipped back and forth?
More evidence to support the thought that we need to look beyond the physical, to find the person who can help lift us towards our higher selves and help us maintain balance in our everyday lives.
THE NEW RELATIONSHIP
“Difficult conversations bring us closer to where we are, or where we need to be”
The New Relationship is really one that cannot be defined by anyone, but the two individuals involved. Knowing that the average marriage lasts only 8.2 years in the USA, and at its highest globally at 15 years, means it might be best to look hard at the relationships we are developing in their earliest stages. Here are my top 10 things to consider in starting, nurturing, maintaining and ending a relationship?
1) Attraction has two parts. Physical and Subtle Energy levels. Looks fade away but energy bonds grow stronger with time.
2) A life-partner is different than a soulmate. Do you feel that the other person resonates with you on your dark, or unfulfilled side? And do you resonate with theirs? Will they just make a good Life-Partner or are they your Soulmate?
3) At various times, discuss what the relationship looks like to each other, what is going well and what you truly need fulfilled.
4) Be prepared to give a little to get back, but don’t give up everything. Giving everything, does not necessarily mean giving up everything.
5) The honeymoon phase lasts 3 months on average. So be sure to swiftly end a new relationship that is not challenging you to be your better self.
6) Maintain regular open communication. Are you healing, are you growing, are you increasing the bond? Are you ready to move to another level?
7) Throughout our lives, people change and so do our needs. And if things are not working as they should, you need to let the other person know so they have a chance to change.
8) Remember that there are professionals who are trained to help couples find their way. Take advantage of those services when you need to.
9) And if the relationship no longer serves the needs of the individuals involved, and you’ve tried everything to keep it intact, it may be time to move on.
10) Be kind in saying goodbye to someone you once shared so much with. A kind goodbye helps bring closure and should be an integral part of every relationship.
May your quest for love be self-fulfilling and may you find the one that lifts you higher everyday of your life. Namaste!
[1] Harra, C. (2013). The 10 Elements of a Soulmate. Huffpost, https://www.huffpost.com/entry/elements-of-a-soulmate_b_3595992
[2] Hopes and Fears, http://www.hopesandfears.com/hopes/city/city_index/214133-city-index-marriage-lengths?ncid=newsltushpmg00000003
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Ken Marchtaler is a lifelong explorer of energy, embodiment, and the hidden rhythms that shape human wellbeing. Drawing from decades of martial arts, qigong, meditation, and contemplative practice, Ken teaches 4-Seasons Qigong for the Halifax Regional Municipality Parks & Recreation Department in Sheet Harbour, where he guides students into deeper harmony with nature’s cycles.
Rooted in ancient wisdom yet grounded in everyday life, Ken’s teachings invite practitioners to listen beneath the surface—to the shifting winds of Wood, the rising heat of Fire, the nourishing center of Earth, the refining clarity of Metal, and the quiet depths of Water. His work centers on helping others awaken their internal energy, dissolve old patterns, and move through the seasons with grace, presence, and renewed vitality.
